Life is twisting and turning for me. I don't know who is doing what and who wants what from this life. And the worst realization over and over for me is "Man Is Not An Island". I don't feel liking to anyone these days. I don't feel like living this life. I don't feel like doing anything. There is an emptiness thats filling me.
I want to be let alone to go in my shell where I have no one to disturb me. No one and when I say no one I really mean no one not even my flatmates. It makes me feel so bad to depend on someone for something.
What the fuck? I woke up to realise that unlike everyday someone has not woken me up. Am all alone at home at 10 AM. What a bloody taste I had in my mouth. I was like bloody angry that why the hell can't I wake up everyday on my own. Okay I hurriedly took a bath called up a Cab. And when I looked at my watch just before I realised that I was wearing a jeans and T Shirt on wednesday coz I had a thing on my mind that today is "FRIDAY". I don't know whats happening to me.
Am too stubborn, growing more and more away from being social. I like to keep looking into my laptop cause it helps me fix my mind away from things which bother me. The moment I take a look away I feel utterly uncomfortable, kinda exposed naked. Its depressing at times to think all this I know I try to avoid this but it all comes back to me overn over again. I can't find things to enjoy, even if I find things they don't last enough time.
Music does not appeal to me. I am looking for people on yahoo messenger but I don't feel like talking to them. Even when I talk to someone I am stuck mostly with "AM OKAY, ARE U OKAY" kind of conversations which are mostly because once you initiated it you don't know or rather can't run away. I spend times browsing through communities on Orkut, post messages here and there out of the reason sometimes. Just to do something. The more I think about it the more I realise how little things to do I have in my life.
Morning starts with a ride to LRT to MRT, looking at people moving amongst crowds heading for a place called Office. Evenings are like stuffed back into the same trains and head towards a place people often refer to as home.
There is a kind of discipline which life is trying to put me into, to tie me down but am a free bird. A free spirit who knows not what to do, who fails to look beyond the obvious searching for something. Something which will make me feel good, make me happy but the worst part is there is nothing in this world. Ironically, the search goes on and the possibility of find that thing keeps dwindling.
Thats life. Thats my life. Thats everyones life. Sometimes I wonder if its life living or surviving.
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