the epitome of nothingness

Nothingness fills the air as I sit in the office on this saturday afternoon.
Am not doing anything but I am sitting here because I wanted to spend some time alone. Though I agree that a time out with friends on a beach or just sitting in the gandhi lawns or a long walk in the inner circle with friends from college (alas gone are the days and the fact that office mates can never be friends) would had been just perfect and a beer or some whisky would had definetely elevated the mood but here its all so different(even i can't believe that the alcohol today tastes bad to me).

Wanted to go and sit somewhere and be idle so I walked to the office thinking that some work will help me calm down. But after so many years (26 + years) of living with myself I still don't know what makes me click and what makes me go numb.

Am frustrated with my self. Just another thought how can one be frustrated with some one else and even if I am then what can be done..nohting..that would be even more frustrating. Am bored to death. This work keeps on expanding the more I try to keep it under control the more of it falls on my hands. It's always the part I do trying to sqeeze my personal space so that work gets done but it doesn't pay of. Rework more rework and more rework thats the full story.

But its strange or isn't it. Some one who is giving u company in office is playing games all the time and you are just slogging. Here the work never ends the deadlines are never met. There is always something pressing so hard that it eventually pressurises an takes away more of that personal space (as if there is something personal here).

Take last release for UAT,the estimate was right cannot be done in the sipulated time. Yet it was like should go ahead and we did it. Result slogging in the office till 2 AM in the morning and next day was so bloody packed with meetings. This is more than that can be handled sometimes I think. But this is it n whom should I go and tell this to?
My boss who himself is trying to make it through putting in all he has. Whom should i go and tell this to? This is my choice - working in a start up.
The problem is there is no end to it. Yesterday night again the release on production was like that. Reached home at 2 AM. Thank god this is saturday but what shall I do if its a saturday and what difference does a saturday make. All bloody seven days are SUNDAYS.

Don't even wanaa go and hang out with friends from office. Even dont want to talk to them. There is nothing but office all around.

But who has built this web.

We humans are sometimes so stupid that its beyond our own comprehension. We strive for things. We pray for them to happen and when they happen we desperately try to find a way to get out of them. Piece by piece I was involved in this setup. It was me who decided to build this thing my way and now sometimes i feel like trapped in this.

Self motivating oneself is not so easy as it seems. Its not at all easy when you don't see things moving. Though its just a very relative term. "To see things moving" had to important references worth noticing. The "thing" and "movement".
Every body has his own definitions for "thing" and "movement" and it also depends upon the priorities and degree of responsibility you take.

I don't want to discuss this coz it makes me think at time that the more i think about it more i feel about where i stand today.

Feel like running away and hiding somewhere but the problem is you cannot hide away from yourself and there is no running away. Its you who is the victim and you who is the tormentor.

Still at the end of it without doing anything I hope that things will improve.
I am OKAY. It's OKAY.
and if it's too good or too bad "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".