Looking up ..looking down..spending time..trying to sort questions that have always questioned my existence ..when will i know the answers ..where to find those...how long can i live without knowing them...alls well when I don't look up to them but then the moment u talk about it , share or try to talk about them, when i talk about me!!...am lost..lost in a translation...I DON'T KNOW ME!!....strange, sad but true..i don't even know when will I get the answers...
It all strated with a discussion which I never wanted to trigger. But when u talk to people with whom you feel at home, you loose control, u let yourself out..and same happened with me yesterday when i was chatting with shobhna. I didn't realise what I was talkign about and when did we start discussing..initially it started from a song by Anathema- Are you there?...never thought it would last something more than discussing the songs. I never wanted it to. But them some how the bird with in knew that that accidently the cage has been set open by some visitor who triggered a chain reaction and now its been more than some 24 hours and am still into it..struggling to get in or to get back out.like a small child left alone in a big carnival amongst alines.. .getting lost. I tried talking...i talked about knowing me..and yet again realized that this ain't me.
The easiest thing for me is to talk about "me" and to question and then try to answer..thats kinda attitude, a favourite past time. Shobhna jus stirred it, she didn't do it intentionally and I don't even regret that she did it, or what happened after it. This one thing has been with me since eternity, I was born with this curse and then whenever it wanted to let me free I just opted to cling to it. Because I just can't imagine living without what am so used to. Am addicted to this..i tried hard to get it going, i tried to work out the way people wanted me to and guess what, am a few meters short of living a balance life with all these turbulence inside....i would bet if someone really knows me inside out and I know even i would loose . I don't know is it something to celebrate about my life or somethign to mourn, or something which would make the society suggest me some corrective actions..or may be put some sanctions.
The same basic question still haunts me, watever answers i try to come up with still leave me unsatisfied. I want more, am I insatiable or this is what the curse is. Nothing can hold me for long, nothing appeals to me at times and nothing not even me can convince me....I don't know this is normal or abnormal but whatever is it I know this is an inseprable part of my existence.
Coming to Singapore, gave me a break and I tried what I have read for most people in the world. Getting involved in work to the extent that you loose yourself. I tried this, I tried this all and it works fine but for a soul who is as disturbed as me..just as expected it failed to work wonders..Somebody some years back told me THIS TOO SHALL PASS and all good and bad (should i tag them so i wonder again.) or all things in my life happily have adhered to this law of nature...and my involvement with work proved out to be yet another on nite stand. And its wearing me down, it's turning me down..and i don't know what to do!! on this tuesday morning in office am blogging beacuse I don't know where to go and what to do!!
I have come back to where i started this journey and am back on the island where i started my journey. Am back in the territory I know, I have strated fearing my self again. Am just being me once again. And I know this is happening..am just a silent observes watching it happen.
The Observer!
observer's Tune: Anathema are you there
observer's mood: into introspection
jusOneLine: Don't ask me nething..leave me alone
No comments:
Post a Comment